


The West and the Sun

by Thatonelyric



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Bisexual, Daddy Issues, F/F, F/M, Gay, Groping, Hospitalization, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, JKR kinda sucks and I don't support her, Kissing, Lavender and Parvati think up Harry Potter, Lavender is Pan, Light mention of assult, M/M, Masturbation, Mommy Issues, Muggle world, Music, Orgasm, POV First Person, POV Lavender, Parvati is bi, Past Tense, Poetry, Present Tense, Sex, Snogging, Strangers to Lovers, Suicidal Thoughts, They're smarter than JKR, Writing on a typewriter, You should stop supporting her too, cancer and shit, fight, friends - Freeform, i know what im talking about, i wrote this instead of doing homework, lavender becomes a bitch after her best friend dies, living in a hospital, percy isn't related to ron, pleasure - Freeform, queer, sexual feelings, the teachers are medical professionals now, trying to be realistic ig
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:34:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24130648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatonelyric/pseuds/Thatonelyric
Summary: "Get used to it, kid," I snort, trying to give them some half-assed hope. They'll need it in this shitty place. I doubt they'll stay longer than a few weeks. A month, tops. And then I look over and realize she isn't a kid at all.
Relationships: Audrey (Fairfax) Weasley/Percy Weasley, Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy/Pansy Parkinson, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Lavender Brown/Parvati Patil, Lavender Brown/Penelope Clearwater, Luna Lovegood/Ginny Weasley, Penelope Clearwater/Percy Weasley, Seamus Finnigan/Dean Thomas
Comments: 10
Kudos: 17





	1. I'm Meeting You In The Woods

**Author's Note:**

> Never done a story like this, I hope you like it! (this is technically the prologue, but I and probably many of you hate having the chapters mixed up (like when it says "chapter 5" but it's really chapter 4 and all that shit, so this will be chapter one).  
> Also, if you've read my other works, you've probably realized that I'm American and not from the UK! So sorry if I mix things up.

*1995*

...

I recall a conversation with my first roommate, back when I didn’t know what the fuck was going on. I had been new then, and that was the first and only time I had ever hoped to bond with anyone.

We had been talking about anything and nothing and everything for months, quickly becoming best friends in a short amount of time.

“Langston Hughes,” Penelope said, leaning back in her bed thoughtfully. “I can relate to Dream Deferred on a personal level."

I nodded. "He's a great poet, but I think that's who most people go to, because he's the only one they know. I prefer James Baldwin."

"I suppose," Penelope replied, shrugging.

I sighed dramatically and turned towards Penelope. "I'm glad I can talk to someone about poetry. No one else really understands my liking for it."

"Yeah." Penelope agreed.

“When I was in secondary school, we did this unit on poets,” I began, fiddling with the blue blankets on my bed.

“Is that when you fell in love with them?”

I shook my head. “I didn’t like poetry until last year. Anyways, we had to pick a poet from the twenties and write a report on them. Fifteen inches. I picked Jean Toomer, because of his last name.”

“That’s not odd. I used to do things like that too.”

“Yeah. When I read my report, everyone started to whisper how his name relates to me.”

“That’s bloody stupid.”

“Yeah. But I gritted my teeth and kept on reading.”

She didn’t have to say anything, but Penelope always got me. I knew she did. Simply from the way she looked at me and smiled; it felt as though she could see directly into my soul; know my exact thoughts. I had always longed for a friend like that.

Penelope and I had hit it off instantly. She was watching _My So Called Life _, for god’s sake. I snickered as she stared in wonder at Bess Armstrong prancing around the screen. She immediately turned to me with a hurt expression on her face.__

____

“At least I’m not a _Friends _fan.”__

______ _ _

I scoffed. “Hardly. If you like this crappy show, you definitely root for Rachel and Ross to get together.”

______ _ _

“Do not.”

______ _ _

“Do to.”

______ _ _

“Do not!”

______ _ _

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

______ _ _

“Fine.” The girl stretched with a huff. “What are you in here for?”

______ _ _

“Same as you.”

______ _ _

She rolled her eyes. “I doubt it. What’s your name?” She asked curiously, switching off the television. I could tell she already missed Claire Danes’s presence.

______ _ _

“Lavender.”

______ _ _

“I’m Penelope, and I want to be your friend.”

______ _ _

“Why?” I laughed.

______ _ _

“You’re quick with your tongue. I like that in a girl.”

______ _ _

I smiled. “Ok, let’s be friends. Maybe you can show me the ropes to this place.”

______ _ _

“Great.”

______ _ _

...

______ _ _

“Ross is an arsehole.”

______ _ _

“Agreed. So are all of them, though.”

______ _ _

“True.”

______ _ _

She was silent for a moment. "Do you like boys?"

______ _ _

It was at this moment when something changed inside me; I had a revelation, and it was the beginning of the end. Of course I liked boys (not that I ever had the chance to do anything with them); I got along fine with them. Harry and Ron from across the hall were a delight hoot from time to time, and Ron sometimes looked at me in this way that no one else did. But he wasn’t going anywhere (that much I could tell early on), so I had all the time in the world to figure out if I found him attractive or not. So, of course I liked them as people, however…

______ _ _

Thoughts were too confusing at the moment. 

______ _ _

"That question surely came out of nowhere,” I finally answered.

______ _ _

"Sorry." Penelope blushed. "I'm just curious. Do you?"

______ _ _

"Of course,” I said quickly. “What girl wouldn't?"

______ _ _

"Er. Someone I know, I suppose."

______ _ _

I quickly sat up in my bed, ignoring the way the IV in my chest tugged painfully. "Are they some sort of… of queer?" I asked.

______ _ _

Penelope's frowned, something flashing in her eyes. "Of course not. Would you have a problem if I were?"

______ _ _

I shrugged and laid back down. "My parents don't really like that sort of thing, but I don't care. I was just wondering."

______ _ _

"Good. I have an old friend who is, and he was… he was beaten for it."

______ _ _

I shuddered. If I were… I didn't want to imagine what my parents would do.

______ _ _

"Anyways, I just meant…" Penelope continued slowly, as if picking out each word individually. "I just meant that I don't understand the appeal of boys. Whatever. That's all."

______ _ _

"I mean I've never been with one," I gestured to my pile of wires hanging out of me. "But they seem very nice. And I suppose I was just brought up that way, you know?"

______ _ _

"You're right. You're a little too young to be thinking about boys, anyhow."

______ _ _

I laughed. "Hardly younger than you. What are you, sixteen?"

______ _ _

"Seventeen, actually."

______ _ _

"Like that's any better."

______ _ _

"Still."

______ _ _

"I get it."

______ _ _

And the conversation ended there, for Penelope smiled prettily at me and opened her mouth to say something else, but was interrupted by a cough.

______ _ _

"Ms. Clearwater?"

______ _ _

"Yeah?" Penelope answered, turning away from me and to the door in the middle of the room where Nurse Pomfrey stood.

______ _ _

"They're ready for you now," the latter said, unplugging the former's machine from the wall and loosening the brakes on her bed.

______ _ _

"Wish me luck!" Penelope said to me as she rolled out of the room.

______ _ _

"Good luck, see you in a few hours!" I called after her. She gave me a little wave as she disappeared down the corridor. “Remember my dream!” I added on jokingly. It’d give her something to think about.

______ _ _

I never saw her again.

______ _ _

...

______ _ _

It’s never a surprise when a deceased patient is wheeled out and the next alive one rolls into the vacated space a few weeks later. Or perhaps the latter isn’t alive. We never truly are; we’re just specimens being studied by doctors and interns practicing for their medical degree. We’re here for the advancement of science, living a death sentence whilst prodded with needles and woken up every few hours due to the never ending sound of the machine indicating you’re still alive.

______ _ _

Sometimes people dream about living in hospitals, having something happen to them so they can take advantage of their friends’ support and being too weak to lift a cup, let alone the door to the garbage shoot out. People who have these dreams are selfish, and ignorant of the disadvantages to living in a hospital, staring at the same ceiling every day unless it’s for an MRI. And for others, living in a hospital would be their worst nightmare; the medical tools, the claustrophobia, the never ending worry from your parents, etc.

______ _ _

Some have said they hate hospitals because of the people and the smells, but I think I’ve gotten used to it after a year. Especially after watching too-sick-to-live patients be wheeled out, knowing I’ll never see them again. It’s easy not to get attached to them. I hardly know them. Some of them try to talk to me, try to bond, thinking they have all the time in the world to make friends, but I know better. I know they’ll only be here for a few months at best, so I spend my days with the curtain closed, in my uncomfortable bed, ridden with stray hairs, watching awful movies and staring at the ceiling counting the tiles. There are twenty three and a half of them in my tiny portion of the room. I’ve begun to count the tiny dots in each tile as well; that’s how bored I am.

______ _ _

Well.

______ _ _

That’s how bored I _was _.__

________ _ _ _ _

Until she wheeled in with her stupid little book, and changed my miserable life forever.

________ _ _ _ _

But more on that later.

________ _ _ _ _


	2. It’s The Bitch Of Living, Just Getting Out Of Bed

*1996*

...

Thirty.

“You didn’t tell me she’d have a roommate.”

Thirty one.

“Oh, it’ll be fine. Maybe Par can make a friend.”

Thirty two.

“I hope so. It’ll be a hard transition.”

Thirty three.

“Here we are.”

The door opens, but I don’t care who’s coming in. I never have. I resume my counting of the individual dots inside the squares lining my portion of the room.

Thirty four.

“Hi, Lavender!” Nurse Pomfrey says cheerily. “This is Parvati, and she’s going to be your new roommate!”

I don’t answer. Pomfrey sighs and turns back to the new family scrunched up in the room. “Sometimes it takes Lavender a bit to get used to new people. She’s certainly seen a lot of them!”

I don’t see this, but the mother of the family gives a thin smile. “Yes,” she says. I hear her shift uncomfortably.

Thirty five.

“Well!” Pomfrey looks back at me. I hear her shoes move. “I’ll give you four a little time to get situated then. I’ll see you soon!”

She strolls out of the room.

Thirty six.

I can hear whispers from the other side of the room. I try to ignore them, but they float inside my ears nevertheless.

“I think I’ll take Pad to get a snack,” a man’s voice says. “Dear, would you like to come with us?”

“For heaven’s sake, no. I cannot leave Par here with a stranger in a foreign place.”

“Nonsense. I’m sure the girl is fine.”

The woman gives a huff, and the whispers get softer, although not soft enough for me to block out. “I’ll only be a few minutes, alright Par?”

Pause.

“Maybe you could try talking to her or something.”

Another pause.

“Perhaps you’d like her, I don’t know.”

I shut my eyes and don’t open them again until I hear the door shut. I’ve lost track of the numbers. Oh, well, I suppose I’ll start again later. Maybe when what’s-their-name is out of the room.

“Hello,” a voice says timidly.

I don’t move. I never do when this is said.

“Er… how long have you been here?” They try to reach me again. I know what they’re doing. They want to ‘see inside my mind’ or some bull a little boy told me once. I think it was a few months ago. I don’t answer.

“This… this room is pretty.”

Damn me to hell. "Get used to it, kid," I snort, trying to give them some half-assed hope. They'll need it in this shitty place. I doubt they'll stay longer than a few weeks. A month, tops. And then I look over and realize she isn't a kid at all.

She’s pretty, wrapped in an over sized nightgown, staring at me curiously.

No. She’s stupid.

“So you talk.”

“Yes, I talk.”

“Good. I thought you were dumb or something at first. It would be awfully lonely without someone to talk to.”

I refuse to indulge her any longer, anger growing inside of me. I’ve never said more than three words to a roommate. I just cracked the entire dam I was building around me. Fuck. I won’t say anymore. She’ll be gone soon anyway, wrapped in a coffin instead of her nightgown, and I won’t have to deal with her stupid chatter any longer.

“Ok. I guess you won’t talk. I understand.”

No she doesn’t.

I hear rustling. I assume she’s taking out her Jane Austen novels and some toiletries, arranging them into a neat pile on the night table beside her bed. I know her already, just from having said a few words. She’s probably a hopeless romantic, sad because she had to leave her dopey boyfriend to go live in a hospital. She’ll be heartbroken when the boyfriend never visits, and will cry to her parents about it. Or maybe her sibling; I vaguely remember Pomfrey saying something about four people, and she couldn’t have been talking about me.

But I don’t care. About her, or Pomfrey. I’ll just do as I always do, staring at the wall, watching the music channel (because I swear, that’s the only thing on these days beside stupid romcoms, and there’s no way in hell I’m watching those), waiting to die. Wishing I’d die. And on Tuesdays and Thursdays I’ll amuse my tutor as always, pretending to know maths and asking if the Cold War is still going on.

“Your name is Lavender, right?”

I knew she didn’t understand. No one ever does.

“I love that color. It’s the perfect shade of purple, in my opinion.”

I don’t reply.

The girl scoffs. “Ok, fine. I was just trying to be nice. I won’t talk then.”

I don’t reply. I grit my teeth and focus on ignoring her. I watch Harry and Ron talk to each other from across the hall. If only I could have a roommate that would be in my room as long as they have. I see Harry drop something off of his bed and struggle under his wires to retrieve it. Clumsy git.

The girl must have looked up when she heard the noise, because, forgetting her statement from a few moments earlier, she asks, “Who are those boys?”

“Harry and Ron,” I grumble, knowing that when it comes to boys, girls don’t stop talking unless they receive an answer.

“Which one is the dark haired one?”

“Harry.”

“He’s quite handsome.”

“He’s a klutz.”

A pause. “I don’t fancy him or anything,” the girl says. “I was just wondering.”

I shrug. I wouldn’t give a fuck if she did. She wouldn’t have a chance, anyway; Harry’s sought after by most of the girls in the wards (it's like he's famous of something). Except Hermione, I guess. However, assuming the girl is indeed enchanted by novels such as Jane Austen’s or Julie Garwood’s, she’ll probably fancy Harry by the end of the week, hoping he’ll come in one day to sweep her off her feet. And she’ll be disappointed when he never will.

At that moment, the door opened, and the girl’s parents returned. My eyes close as they offer the girl a snack they brought back with them. The girl accepts gratefully.

“Did you say hi?” I hear the mom whisper to the girl.

The latter mumbles a response. The mom makes a disappointed noise. “Well, maybe tomorrow.”

Pomfrey then comes in to give me my meds for the night, and draws the curtain closed behind her.

“Did you like her?” She asks cheerfully, as if she expects a response. I don’t give one as she attaches a new wire to my port and presses some buttons on the machine I’m hooked to.

“She’s really nice,” Pomfrey continues as if I had answered. “I’m sure you two will be the best of friends. It’s been a while since you’ve had a girl your age in here.”

This is true; for months I've had roommates who were in their fifties and older, and roommates who weren’t even in their teens yet. One sixty five year old once told me that I’d never get a man if I didn’t know what a red card was in football. I flipped her off, and she was offended at me until they wheeled her out of the room, a sheet covering her wrinkly body. She's probably still mad at me in hell right now.

Pomfrey cups my face, and I almost swat her hand out of the way, but she brings it back. “Try to be nice, alright? Remember how scared you were when you first came here.”

I roll my eyes, but don’t deny her words. Pomfrey turns out my light and says to me, “Your parents will be here tomorrow.”

I grit my teeth.

On her way out of the room, Pomfrey wishes the family around the curtain goodnight, and then the door closes. The door opens again as the parents (and possibly the sibling who may or may not exist) bid their goodnights. Apparently the girl’s name is Parvati.

I don’t care.

When the door closes for the final time (until a few hours later when the hourly rounds start to begin), I hear Parvati rustle her blankets as she slides deeper into them, and sigh as she switches off the light.

She’s probably crying. She seems like the type.

I don’t care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is super usual for my to update this quickly, I know. But it's quarantine, so now I'm doing this instead of writing my essay. Hope you liked it!


	3. Handprint On My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Read!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so those of you who have read this prior to June 2020, you may have noticed that I deleted some chapters due to reconstruction. I haven't changed too much, though, so I hope you like it!

*1995*

…

“So what’s your story?”

I shrugged. “Cancer’s taken up most of it.”

“Same, I guess.”

I could tell Penelope wanted me to ask her the same thing, so I did.

“I had a great life back in Bristol,” Penelope sighed, leaning back in her bed, closing her eyes in memory.

“I was top of my class in secondary, helped my mum out in her store after lessons, had a man…”

“A man?”

“Oh, yes,” Penelope continued dreamily. “He had curly, red, hair, he was insanely smart, thought he knew everything about the world. He wanted to travel with me, you know. He was fascinated with facts and history.”

“What was his name?” I asked. On the surface, Penelope seemed as though she had the perfect life, and even in the hospital, she still did.

“Percy,” She answered, saying each syllable delicately, as though she would lose him otherwise.

“What happened to him?”

Penelope smirked. “Oh, we still write. He just doesn’t visit as much as he used to. He has a big parliament job now. I suppose it takes a lot of his time up.”

I lowered my head. “I’m really sorry.”

“Lavender,” Penelope continued, waving her hand through the air as though it was nothing, “I understand. He’s just busy. He still loves me.”

“He- He’s a bit young to have a big job in parliament, is he not?”

“I may have been exaggerating a bit,” Penelope corrected me, grimacing. “He’s a junior assistant to one of Prime Minister Thatcher’s employees.”

“Oh.” I didn’t follow politics very well, but I knew that Thatcher wasn’t well liked among most of Britain.

“I mean, I don’t agree with most of her policies, but,” Penelope shrugged, “It’s a job. And when we get married, we’re going to need a steady income.”

“Married?” I said incredulously.

Penelope waved her hands again. “You ask too many questions. I mean that we’re planning to get married when we grow up, not immediately. Now tell me about yourself. If we’re going to be roommates, I want to know you.”

I nodded slowly. Her words made sense.

“Er…” I began awkwardly. “My mum and dad are divorced. My life a month ago wasn’t as bright as yours was. And is, still. I certainly don’t have anyone like you have Percy.”

Penelope scoffed. “I mean, I had a lot of struggles, don’t get me wrong. It’s not easy being the only kid with cancer in your school. But I like to focus on the good things. And Percy… he’s just one part of it. And you think my life is still golden? I fucking hate this place.”

I innocently giggled at her language, but grew serious once again as I continued.

“But yeah, I really didn’t have the best life. People mostly ignored me back in primary and secondary. I didn’t have many friends. I mean, I had a little group, but they weren’t real. They ignored me a lot, too.”

“I’m sorry. That must’ve sucked.”

I shrugged. “It’s in the past.”

Penelope grinned. “Yeah, it is. And we have each other, right? There’s no need for fake friends.”

“Yeah, Penelope.” I nodded my head, relief flooding through me as I realized that this could be the beginning of something amazing.

Penelope waved her hand through the air. “Don’t call me _Penelope _. It’s so formal. I prefer Penny. It’s what Percy calls me, anyway, and I like it.”__

__I smile. “Sure, Penny. Speaking of Percy, do you keep his letters?”_ _

__Penny nodded in response, a guilty smile creeping on her face. “I keep all of them in my drawer,” she giggled. “Wanna see?”_ _

__“Of course, but isn’t that an invasion of his privacy?”_ _

__Penny shrugged. “I don’t care, and neither would he. And besides, why’d you ask if you didn’t want to see them?”_ _

__She had a point._ _

__I nodded eagerly, and Penny pulled her bottom night table drawer open and pulled out a short stack of letters._ _

__“Let see…” Penny muttered. “The last time he wrote to me was about a month ago, so my favorite one would be… here!”_ _

__Penny pulled out a wrinkled letter from near the bottom of the pile. “I have them organized by date,” She informed me proudly._ _

__“I gave a short smile, unsure how to respond. Why was organization such an accomplishment? Meanwhile, Penny had opened the selected letter and began to read it out loud._ _

__“ _Oh, dearest darling__ _

___How ever can I take comfort in our situation?_ _ _

___Why must you taunt me with your soft calligraphy_ _ _

___Fill my dreams with memories of you_ _ _

___The palaces your minds creates_ _ _

___When I can only long to see you in front of me, not as a ghost_ _ _

___Dearest Penny, I love you so_ _ _

___My love shines brightly from my fingertips_ _ _

___For I can think of nothing but your sweet lips.” ____ _

____Penny looked up at me, tears in her eyes. “Isn't that the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard?” She whispered quietly._ _ _ _

____I nodded, my heart filling with sadness as I saw how torn apart she was by his letters. “When’s his next visit due?” I asked._ _ _ _

____Penny shrugged. “He hasn’t written in a while.”_ _ _ _

____I patiently waited for her to explain further, but when no additional response came, I grinned and took the letter out of her hands, placing it back in the pile on her night table._ _ _ _

____Suddenly, Penny stood up and began to unplug her chemo machines from the wall. “I need to use the loo,” she announced, her voice breaking on the last word._ _ _ _

____I had never been good at this type of thing, had never even thought Penny _had _problems, so I couldn’t do anything but watch her trail sadly to the loo with her machines close behind, a short sniffle breaking out before the door had shut.___ _ _ _

______While Penny was in the loo, Nurse Pomfrey came to roll me to an MRI. Penny still hadn’t returned by the time Pomfrey had unhooked my machines, set up my IV, and wheeled me out the door. As I was slid into the tube, the noise of the magnetic machine pounded around me and vibrated through my body. When the scans started, I did not move. Even through the loud sounds of the tube, and swore I could still hear Penny’s voice breaking in my head._ _ _ _ _ _

______I did not move._ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys fr stay safe and for my American readers, acab! Sorry to be political but this is super big rn and it's rly important so #staywoke


	4. Dying Is Easy, Living Is Harder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, for those who've already read this chapter, I didn't edit it at all, so feel free to read it again, or just wait until the next one comes out.

*1996*

An arm.

A tube.

Skin.

Touching.

The smell of alcohol swabs.

I hate it.

I can feel it, wrapping around me.

I’m scared, but I won’t say so.

It’s crushing me, her soul, my soul, cancer, it’s… me, and it’s consuming me and everything, and I fall into darkness, and suddenly there’s a hand on my arm, calling my name, and I shift angrily under their touch, opening my eyes.

I see Nurse Sprout and I grit my teeth. I woke up. Again. Joy. Not that I fancy the nightmares I’ve been having, exactly, but I suppose it’s better than real life.

“Your parents will be here in a few minutes,” Sprout says as she presses buttons on my machine. I watch the medicine trickle down into the tubes attached to my skin. I’m grateful that the curtain is still drawn; I don’t want to see the new girl. I already forgot her name. Penny, maybe. Bluebell? It sounded like a type of cheese. I don’t care. I stop thinking.

There’s a knock on the door, and I watch as my mother walks into the room. She’s accompanied by a man who’s not my father.

“Lavie,” my mother gushes, using the nickname from my childhood that I’ve always hated. She walks over to my bed, and the man stays by the door. Sprout looks back at me with a smile as she goes to the other side of the curtain to attend to the other girl. I hear waking noises.

I give a pained smile to my mother, who’s looking at me as if I’m the only person in the world. It won’t last.

Mum coughs and looks back at the man. “Obviously, he isn’t your father…” she begins, laughing awkwardly. “He’s just a friend of mine.”

I’ve seen many friends of hers. She never stays friends with them for long.

I want to ask if he’ll be here soon, but I know better, so I don’t. Instead, I say, “How’s the book coming?”

Now it’s my mum’s turn to grimace. “Oh, you know… same as always, I suppose.”

“Thanks for the new information.”

She nods stiffly, and squeezes my arm. On the other side of the curtain, I hear Sprout speaking to the new kid. I pray that mum doesn’t hear, but she does. She always does.

“You have a new roommate?” mum askes, glancing behind her.

I nod. “She’s annoying,” I mumble.

“I’m sure she’s not that bad, Lavie.”

I shrug in response.

“Maybe you could talk to her.”

“You say that about everyone.”

“It’s true!” mum claims. “You need friends,” she says in a sad tone. Like she actually cares.

“I have friends,” I say, gesturing to my books and music records. Mum rolls her eyes.

“Tim O'Brien is not your friend.”

“I don’t care. It’s the only company I enjoy nowadays.”

There’s a pause. Mum’s unsure what to say, I bet. She’s always been bloody awful at this shite.

Here’s the thing about mum. She’s been going from ‘friend’ to ‘friend’ ever since dad left. She manages to visit me a few times a month, but is usually preoccupied with whoever she’s travelling around the world with. In the past year, She’s seen Africa, America, as well as India, and I haven’t been out of the bloody city in a year. And when she does visit me, she only stays for half an hour at most. Back when she and dad were still together, we all used to dream of travelling together (France, Hawaii, you name it). But when dad kept falling off the wagon and mum couldn’t afford coverup for her bruises anymore due to all of our travel money going towards alcohol, the dream died. Dad left. Mum moved on. I went to the hospital. Mum met Jordan. And then she met Michael, Arnold, and Sam. She went to Puerto Rico last year with one of them. I was too sick to go, so she left me with the neighbor.

The man clears his throat by the door, interrupting the awkward conversation.

“Babe, our reservation for brunch is in fifteen minutes.”

Mum looks back at him.

“Mum, you can go if you want.”

“I’ve only been here a few minutes, though…”

“Mum. You clearly want to go. I’ll see you next week. Have fun.”

Mum smiles gratefully at me in return. “I’ll bring you back something nice,” she says.

“I’m sure you will,” I reply, even though I know she won’t.

“What would you like?”

“Surprise me.”

Mum gives a strained smile. “I’ll see you soon, Lavie,” she calls as she walks out the door with her ‘friend’.

I’m sure she thinks she will. I’ll probably see her again in a few weeks when she remembers my existence.

I sigh and lay down on my bed. I begin to do my morning stretches. I lift a squeeze ball on my night table. It falls out of my grasp. I try again. I can’t get a hold. My arm shakes, and I’m forced to use my other arm to support the one holding the ball. The ball falls out of my hand again after I’ve finally managed to get a few squeezes in, but instead of rolling back onto the night table like it has numerous times, it drops to the floor and disappears to the other side of the still drawn curtain.

I curse under my breath and sigh. No way will I ask for it back. I never intentionally talk to anyone besides my mother, anyhow. It’s about the amount she deserves. The new kid, on the other hand; they don’t deserve a goddamn thing. They’ve done nothing but annoy me this entire time. Sprout will probably end up getting it for me this afternoon when she sees it on the floor.

I hear a shuffle behind the curtain, and stifle a groan. They've seen the ball. The curtain is opened, and the girl appears. Oh, right. She’s not a kid. She’s my age, according to Pomfrey, and I’m not a kid.

She holds her trailing wires up with one hand so they won’t tug on her IV and port, and she holds my ball with the other.

“Er. I think you dropped this,” she says, holding the ball out to me. I give her a nod and take it. Our fingers touch for a second, and she flinches. I bet she felt a ‘connection’ or some shit from one of her novels. I roll my eyes and flop back on my bed, placing the ball in its rightful place.

“Why are you so rude to everyone?” she asks. She doesn’t sound hurt by my actions, only curious.

I don’t answer, which she should’ve expected. I pray that she’ll go back to her bed, stare at Harry dreamily, and leave me alone.

“It wasn’t a rhetorical question. I genuinely want to know.”

I take a deep breath and ignore her.

“Bloody hell,” she says. “Is it so bad to want a friend in this place?”

“Yes.”

This statement slips out of my mouth, and I bite my tongue to keep from saying more.

“Why?”

“Never you mind,” I say, hoping to end her endless questions. “Thanks for the ball; you may go now.”

“I’m not your servant.”

“I never said you were. Just stop talking to me.”

“Why? Why are you being rude to me? Why are you rude to your mum?”

I inhale sharply. “You don’t know a bloody thing about my mum,” I say. This conversation is quickly spinning out of control.

“Let me guess,” the girl says, putting her hands on her hips. “Daddy’s gone, and you’re disappointed that he never visits. Mum comes sometimes, and she cares about you, even if she’s not in her right mind. And you… you hate everything because you’ve given up on life. Am I correct?”

“Got that from Julie Garwood, didn’t you?” I retort, blood rising to my face.

“Maybe. But it’s true, isn’t it?”

“You don’t know anything. Go back to Jane Austen and leave me alone.”

The girl grits her teeth. “Lavender, I don’t want to be your friend anymore.”

“Thank fuck.”

The other takes a deep breath, opens her mouth to say something else, but by then I’ve closed my eyes and rolled to the other side of the bed. The only thing I hear from her the rest of the day are sniffles and reassuring noises from her mum. I catch a glare once or twice from the latter.

I don’t give a flying rat’s arse.

I flip through the channels on the television. My So Called Life is on. I groan and switch it off.

Someone told me once to stop living in the past, and to live in the present instead. I had pondered that for only a moment, then realized that my present blows. What if I wanted to live in the future? But, upon further realization, I concluded that I have none. So now, I prefer to not live at all.

That’s why I don’t talk. Because if she didn’t get to live, I sure as fuck shouldn’t be allowed to either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Attended a protest yesterday, thankfully left before things went to shit.


	5. Now That’s Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry's stupid but Draco's attracted to him ig

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My city has a fucking curfew now ugh #blm

*1995*

...

“I think Ginny Weasley fancies Harry.”

I glanced up from my book, startled. “Really?”

Penelope nodded. “He’s so dreamy, you know? And the klutz thing is cute. If I weren't with Percy, I certainly would think about him.” Suddenly she stared at me with a smile on her face. I could tell a plan had been formed.

“You should ask Ron out. It’s perfect.”

“What is?” I asked curiously.

“You and Ginny would be dating the two finest candidates in the ward! Unless you count Draco Malfoy, that is, but he’s a bit mean. You’re too good for him.”

“He’s alright,” I defended, remembering my previous encounter in his room. “Isn’t he dating Pansy?”

“You’ve met her?” Penny looked surprised. “She doesn’t leave her room very much unless she has to. 

I looked down at my tiny, dangling legs from where I sat, a blush quickly formed on my ears. “I, er… may have accidentally gone into their room a little while ago.”

Penny busted out laughing. “Happened to me a week in here, too,” she said, slapping her thighs in hilarity. “I accidentally walked into Seamus’ and Dean’s room-- well, it’s Harry and Ron’s now-- but they understood. They were kind about it. Tell me, was he mean to you? I’ll beat him up. I could, you know.” Penny balled her fists to prove it to me.

“I know, I know,” I chuckled, reaching between our beds to lower Penny’s fists. “He was actually alright. And I was, too. He said so.”

Penny raised her eyebrows. “Really?” She asked, disbelievingly. “That’s a first.” She yawned. “I suppose… I’ll believe it when I see it.”

I shrugged.

“But…” Penny continued, “God. Harry is so clueless sometimes, you know? I mean she’s flirted with him for ages. The poor chap really can’t take a hint.”

“Talk to him,” I suggested simply. I really didn’t see the big deal. Penny was extremely pretty, with short, choppy hair hanging around her soft shoulders, average sized breasts, a good chin, a kind face… anyway. She could convince anyone anything, I was sure, so why was she so worried about Harry and Ginny?

Penny rolled her eyes. “Right. Talk to him and have Ginny mad at me for the rest of my life.”

“Then talk to Ginny,” I offered.

Penny shrugged, and leaned towards me, motioning for me to tilt my ear to her, and I obliged.

“I think,” Penny whispered, “Harry is part of that… er, queer lot.”

I jerked away from her. “What?”

Penny gestured, impatient, wanting me to understand. “I think he likes Draco, for some reason.”

“Mental,” I breathed, leaning back in my bed. Harry and Draco? I’d never would’ve guessed. Not that I guessed that sort of thing on the daily, of course.

“I mean, he could at least let her down easy. If he even knows what’s going on, which I doubt he does.”

“Yeah,” I agreed.

“But… back to Ron. You should ask him out. I’m sure he’d say yes.”

“What?” I blushed. “He wouldn’t.”

“Who wouldn't say yes to the amazing, stunningly beautiful, perky breasted Lavender Brown?”

I crossed my arms in reflex, laughing. “They aren’t that perky,” I said, feeling them through my nightgown.

“Here,” Penny said, moving towards the door and shutting it. “I’ll show you. They’re perky! I can tell!”

“What?”

Penny rolled her eyes. “I can tell by the slope of them. As an older woman, I can show you.”

I didn’t answer. Did Penny want me to take off my shirt? It wasn’t as if we hadn’t seen each other naked before; we had shared a room for a long time, after all.

“Look,” Penny began. “I won’t do anything you don’t want. And Sprout won’t be here for a little while; I take my meds at three.”

“Ok…” I said slowly. I untied my nightgown from the back, letting it fall down my bony body, exposing my breasts. I didn’t look at Penny, but I heard her come and sit on my bed next to me.

“May I?” she asked, reaching towards me. I nodded. I could feel my nipples hardening as they touched the cool hospital air.

This wasn’t weird, right?

I shivered as her finger traced down my chest, stopping at my tight nipple.

“You see?” Penny asked calmly, her finger dipping below onto my stomach. I drew a breath in, hoping Penny wasn’t noticing my double chin as I looked down. “You can see a lot of underboob when you look at them. Boobs that aren’t perky don’t do that. Good ones have this sort of… curve, one might say.”

I felt a funny feeling in my pussy as Penny brushed back up against my nipple.

“Oh,” I swallowed as Penny removed her hand and moved back to her bed as if nothing had happened. I hastily re-tied my nightgown, grateful for the sudden warmth of the material. I rubbed my thighs together, confused by the feeling I had between them.

Suddenly the door opened, and I instantly shrank into my sheets, clutching my covers tightly. Nurse Spout entered.

“How are you guys today?” she asked, closing the door behind her.

“Great,” Penny chirped, and I mumbled a response. No one seemed to notice.

“I thought I took my meds at three,’ Penny said to Sprout, as the latter took out medicine and a rather thick looking needle.

“It is three, hon,” Sprout replied, drawing the curtains to give Penny privacy. Her pretty face disappeared from view.

I took a deep breath, crawling under my sheets. I felt between my legs. I must’ve wet myself, but I hadn’t done that since I was a child. I remembered the feeling in my stomach as Penny touched my nipple, and I felt myself grow wetter. I instinctively drew my hand away, but I was curious. The way my panties moved along the skin between my legs felt great at the moment. Had it ever been like that before? I moved my hand along my panties, and suddenly a jolt of pleasure burst through my body. Timidly but wanting to feel more, I rubbed again, and before I knew it, I had taken my panties off and was rubbing, rubbing, rubbing… I thought of Penny’s face, her soft hands as they traced my boob… That feeling in my stomach was growing...

All of a sudden my legs twitched and a burn spread throughout my body, the greatest feeling I had ever known. I arched my back and gasped quietly as I climaxed against my hand, shaking as I settled back on my bed. I took a deep breath and sighed. That had probably been the best feeling I’d ever felt in my entire life. I’d have to ask Penny about it later. Hopefully she wouldn’t make fun of me, because who knew if what I just did was normal? I had never heard of it before, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t, right? I’d never heard of a lot of things.

Who knew if I’d be feeling that special sensation many more times throughout my stay at the hospital?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!


	6. Someone To Force You To Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why does science prevent us from dying when our time comes?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bought a hammock yesterday woo

*1996*

...

Why is survival important?

Why can’t people just pass on when they’re supposed to, and be done with it?

Why does science prevent us from dying when our time comes?

I’d rather die young than suffer in this hospital any longer, with its too-happy nurses and boring food and annoying people and god, just let me sink into the earth forever and never wake up, let me fall into the ocean and live among the dolphins in my dreams. I used to swim. I don’t anymore.

But I’d rather force my weak self into a pool, acknowledging the possibility that I’d drown from lack of movement and too much treatment, than spend time on soil in my bloody hospital bed forced to see people I couldn't be further away from fancying. Not that I fancy anyone.

Nurse Trelawney is new here, and I hate her. Well, I used to like her. She’s really into psychic shite, telling my future and all that crap. I play along just in case the odds are ever in my favor (which I refuse to get my hopes up about). But, this is her second month here, and yesterday she announced that she wants to take the entire ward on an outing, which, in my opinion, is the stupidest idea to have ever been formed in one’s mind. The outing, she claims, will consist of everyone in the ward, which makes up eight people: Harry Ron, Hermione, Luna, Colin, Draco, and of course the new girl and I. I despise all of them. Well, except for Draco, I guess; he hates it here as much as I do. But he really can be mean, and coming from me, I understand that makes me sound like a hypocrite, but he teases people. I just want people to go away. We’re on very different ends of the ‘mean’ spectrum.

But I understand why he’s mean, unlike everyone else. He’s waiting to die, just like I am. We get each other. I think we always have, even when I still talked. I remember he had been listening to The Who when I had gone exploring one night, slowly dragging my IV pedestal behind me..

I stared at him in awe as he bobbed his head up and down to the lyrics from where he stood on his bed. He faced me, but his eyes were closed and his hands were spread out wide to retain balance as he shook his head all over. Before I could shut the door and leave him be, he opened his eyes and saw my silhouette in the doorway. He flinched and sat down on the bed, switching off the music.

“What?” he snapped at me.

I blushed in embarrassment. “I- I’m sorry…” I stammered, backing away. “I got lost, and I thought this was my room.”

“Well, it’s not,” he said, turning his nose to the air.

“I’m sorry,” I repeated. I foolishly remained in his sight, despite his evident annoyance. “That was a great song.”

“It’s The Who.”

“I know. I love them. It was ‘Generations’, right?”

“Yeah,” he said, turning to me curiously. “What’s your name?” he asks.

“Lavender.”

“I’m Draco. Now scram,” he said, his voice dropping.

“What?”

“My bloody tutor wanted me to learn everyone’s name in the ward for advantageous purposes. So now I do. And now you can go.”

“I-”

Draco rolled his eyes and looked at me in disgust. “Sorry I mislead you or some shite. Don’t care. There-”

“Now, listen,” I began with asterismos. “I was just trying to find my room, and that gives you no right to be mean to me! Didn’t you mother raise you correctly? Mine at least tried to!”

“Don’t you involve my mother in this,” Draco snarled. It was clear no one had ever interrupted him before.

“I don’t care,” I bravely continued. I had no idea what the bloody hell I was doing. For all I knew, I was beginning to make an enemy. “This is a sodding hard world, and I don’t need you making it worse! So you can just sod off, and-”

“Me? I should sod off?” Draco gasped dramatically, shocked. “You’re the one who’s come into my room-”

“… On accident, not on purpose…”

“… And you don’t even think to say…-”

“… There’s no reason to…”

“… The audacity, I can’t imagine…”

“SHUT UP!” a voice came from the shadows. I hadn’t known there was another person in the room. “Fuck off with your bickering! I’m trying to sleep, and it’s hard enough with The bloody Who in the background, let alone you two!”

“I’m sorry,” I said instantly into the darkness. I turned to shut the door and leave.

“Fuck off, Pansy,” Draco said. He didn’t seem embarrassed.

A groan came in reply.

“She’s had her bad meds today,” Draco whispered to me, but loud enough for Pansy to hear.

“Fuck you,” came the response.

I grimaced, and prepared to leave.

“Hey,” Draco said, stopping me.

“What.” It’s not a question.

“You’re strong, for a girl. Many wouldn’t yell at me like that.”

“I would,” Pansy called from the other side of the room.

“Besides her. Good job. I’ll see you around, I guess.”

“Sure,” I said, my heart pounding. I nervously went back into the hall, shut the door, and expected Draco to come after me and scream at me some more. But instead I only heard the rocking sound of The Who, strumming slowly through the hospital walls. And as I slipped back into my room and heard soft snoring come from the other side of it, I vowed, from that day forward, that I would respect Draco. And, that night, I’m sure he was thinking the same thing.

…

I blink and lift a weak hand to cover my eyes as the sunlight shines brightly. Murmurs of approval come from behind me, most likely Hermione.

“Vitamin D is very good for us. I’m glad I came out, even if Trelawney had to come along.,” she says.

I don’t reply. Hermione hates Trelawney, we all know. The latter is intrigued in the future and being a Seer, whilst the former is obsessed with logic, doing her best to disprove the very notion of it every chance she gets.

I used to get along with Hermione fine back when I first came, but when I no longer wanted friends, she tried to convince me to keep my former beliefs, for, in her words, ‘who knows how long anyone will be alive?’

Bullshite.

Of bloody course we don’t know. That’s why I prefer to focus on the things I do know, and that’s music and poetry. Those are real, and normally they come from the heart. And I know _they’re _at least going to be alive forever.__

__“What do you think Trelawney’s going to prophesize _this _afternoon?’ Hermione continues, oblivious to the fact that no one in the group wants her to continue. “Ron?”___ _

____God, why can’t he see that she fancies him?_ _ _ _

____Ron shrugs halfheartedly. “Maybe she’ll say the hospital will finally get some decent food.”_ _ _ _

____“Likely,” I snort, regretting it immediately, because then everyone looks at me. I lower my eyes and don’t give any further opinions._ _ _ _

____The rest of the group turns away from me awkwardly and ends up facing the new girl._ _ _ _

____“Hi, I’m Hermione,” Hermione begins, nodding respectfully at the new girl. “You must be new, because I haven’t seen you around before.”_ _ _ _

____“Yes,” I hear the new girl respond. “I’m Parvati.”_ _ _ _

____I _knew _her name was similar to cheese. Not that I care.___ _ _ _

______“You’re Lavender’s roommate, right? Has she talked to you yet? Sometimes she has difficulty with that sort of thing. I read in a scientific journal once that PPD-- that’s Postpartum Depression-- isn’t always a result of _just _birth, you know. Anyone can-”___ _ _ _ _ _

________“Hermione,” Harry cutz in. “Let her breathe, will you?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I close my eyes and try not to let Hermione talking about me in front of me anger me. Focus._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I block out the murmurings around me and concentrate on the way my shoes squeeze around my feet. How my shirt settles against my bony skin. I feel my hair rest against my neck. My stomach moves in and out. My chest rises with every breath I take._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It’s the little things, I suppose. Or so I’ve been told._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I take a deep breath by mistake._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I cough before I can suppress it; anger surges in me as I lean over in my wheelchair, covering my mouth with my arm. I hack and hack, struggling to breathe. God, I’m about to die. I feel a hand on my back, pounding it. Hermione’s voice is in the background, saying that pounding one’s back actually has the opposite effect, it really does no good at all, Ronald… I’m about to die. Why is swiss the most memorable type of cheese, anyway? Maybe blue, too, but not… I feel weightless, as if I had fallen out of my chair, but I don’t think I have, I don’t feel anything beneath me… I can’t do this anymore, fuck…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I take a breath, but not a deep one. I’ve stopped coughing at last. I blink my eyes as Trelawney stares down at me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Well, let’s get going, shall we?” She rhetorically asks the group as if nothing had happened at all. “I predict that we will have a fantastic time this afternoon!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I see Parvati staring at me, obvious worry in her eyes. I ignore it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I check out the record in a store window. I strain in my seat to see the ones at the top. Sprout, who’s along for the ride, asks me if I want to go inside for a closer look, but I refuse. It’s not as though I could afford anything here. Just looking._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Parvati rolls up to me. “Did you know that Nurse Trelawney can see the future?” she asks curiously._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I roll my eyes. “It’s bull,” I respond._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“She seemed to think you like her work.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Sure, let’s call it ‘work.’”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“She told me that good things would come if I bought a Guess Who record.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I stare at her incredulously. “She told you that?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Parvati nods. I grit my teeth. I once told Trelawney that I’d become someone who can hold a pleasant conversation for anyone who buys a Guess Who record for me. Sneaky bastard._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Don’t buy it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Why?” Parvati says defiantly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I don’t answer. I stare at a Beatles album close to me. I wonder if I could go to Abbey Road someday, when I’m not sick anymore. Yeah, right._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“That was quite an episode earlier.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Fuck off. It happens to everyone. It’ll happen to you too.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What did you mean by cheese?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Pardon me?” I ask, confused, turning to Parvati._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“While you were coughing, you blurted out something about death, and then cheese. I mean, I get the death part, but why cheese?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Never you mind.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Parvati shrugs. “Just wondering.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I turn my chair around as Parvati asks Sprout if she can go into the store. I just want to go home. I roll down the street alone, ignoring the usual glances of strangers. Someone asks me if I want help. I ignore them. I roll to the next block. I reluctantly ask a young woman to push me up a short hill. She kindly obliges. I don’t feel calm until I roll back to the hospital, nod to the receptionist (they all know me by now), and retreat to the safety of my room. I hoist myself onto my bed, and look over at Parvati’s. _Emma _is lying open by her pillow. Figures.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Fuck, I hate it here._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The next morning when I wake up, I look over to my night table and groan. _American Woman _is lying there, still in its package. Perfect condition.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I officially hate Trelawney, but in a way I’m sort of grateful, too. At least I’ll have some better music to listen to, now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like how this story is turning out! Give some kudos and comments if you do!


	7. Just Sit And Putter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dreams and reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, but school ended last week so I finally have time to write.
> 
> Warning: Cheers spoilers

*1995*

…

“‘And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by her side

Of my darling--my darling--my life and bride,

In her sepulchre there by the sea,

In her tomb by the surrounding sea.’”

“That’s beautiful,” I breathed. Annabelle Lee must’ve been quite the ace.”

“Blimey, she was probably stunning,” Penny replied, clutching the piece of paper from which those sacred words were written to her heart. “I mean, I know Percy didn’t write it-- Edgar Allen Poe did-- but the fact that he took the time to write this at all is precious nonetheless.”

“Who? The former or the latter?”

“Both.”

We were quiet for a moment. “I wonder what Poe’s love life was like,” Penny pondered. “If he treated his ladies as wonderfully as the lads do in his poems-- well--- even I would marry him.”

“You’d marry a dead man?” I giggled.

Penny chuckled in response.

“Poe actually married his cousin,” I offered.

Penny looked astounded for a moment, then shrugged her shoulders. “It was a hundred years ago. It was fine then,” she concluded.

“The cousin then died,” I continued, “and Poe never married again.”

“What did she die of?”

“Em… tuberculosis, I think.”

“How awful.”

“Mmhm.”

Then there was an awkward silence, for what exactly does one say after ‘mmhm’? I didn’t blame Penny.

“I think _Cheers _is on,” I offered.__

__Instantly, Penny’s eyes lit up, and she grabbed the remote laying on her night table. “Did you know that Shelley Long left the show after a few seasons?”_ _

__“It makes sense. She probably wanted to do other things.”_ _

__“But the show got awful after she left; there was the whole story line where Sam sank his boat, and this new boss and Rebecca came in, and it just wasn’t as funny anymore.”_ _

__“Pitty. I’ll watch the rest of the reruns, anyway.”_ _

__We fixed our eyes upon the screen as George Wendt entered the scene. ‘Norm!’ the cast members rang out. ‘Can I draw you a beer, Norm?’ Nicholas Colasanto asked. ‘No, I know what they look like,’ he answered. ‘Just pour me one.’_ _

__Penny and I chuckled at the joke along with the laugh track._ _

__“He died ten years ago, you know.” Penny said. “They had to put his death in the show, and they got Woody Harrelson replace him.”_ _

__“Who, Wendt? And how could anyone replace the great Ernie Pantusso?”_ _

__“No, Colasanto. And Harrelson has done a pretty good job, too. He’s basically the younger version of Coach.”_ _

__“It’s crazy how he died, though. Right out of the blue. I bet he was important to a lot of people.”_ _

__“I’m sure he was,” Penny answered, nodding. “People die every day. Someone just died as I said that. Someone’s dying right now,” she said, pointing to the screen, “as Carla hassles Cliff.”_ _

__“Blimey,” I said in response. I’d never thought about it like that._ _

__We watched for a few more minutes until a commercial came on, and I broke the silence by saying, “Carla’s so strong, for all her meanness. I mean, raising so many children by herself? Wild.”_ _

__“She is,” Penny agreed. “She’s proof that women can do anything, even while having children. If that means_ _

__“All women?”_ _

__“Er… Look at me,” was Penny’s response. I looked from the screen to her sweet face. “Am I not a woman myself? Or, as Lucy Montgomery puts, it, through the words of Anne Cuthbert, “‘I’m going to be my own woman’.” When we get married, Percy knows not to expect dinner on the table every night. I’m not going to be a common housewife. I’m going to work.”_ _

__“Where?”_ _

__“I’d like to go into nursing, I think. Although it pushes the stereotype forwards, I do quite like babies. I think I’d like to deliver one someday. Give one to a strong woman like Carla.”_ _

__“That’s lovely,” I replied. I traced the length of my wires coming out of my port. “I think I want to be an actress.”_ _

__“Any particular type?” Penny asked, brushing her uneven hair out of her face._ _

__“Broadway,” I said instantly. “I want to be the next Julie Andrews of the stage. And television would make me look unflattering. Each camera adds ten pounds, you know.”_ _

__Penny rolled her eyes. “Please,” she said. “You’re like a twig. Even I, a fellow twig, could snap you in half.”_ _

__I giggled at the image._ _

__Suddenly, we both looked to the door as the handle jiggled. Nurse Flitwick tottled in, dragging a new medicine bag behind him._ _

__“New meds!” he chirped to Penny._ _

__“Why?” she asked._ _

__“Your doctor seems to think the ones you’re on aren’t working too well. So, we simply adjusted the dosage.” Flitwick shrugged as he plugged the new back in, and attached the wire to her access port._ _

__“Is she worse?” I blurted out. I couldn’t help myself._ _

__Flitwick glanced at me uncomfortably. “That’s for her doctor to say,” he said unconvincingly._ _

__Penny looked down at her blanket._ _

__“Penny?”_ _

__She didn’t reply.;_ _

__I was sorry for asking._ _

__…_ _

__“Two hundred and fourteen.”_ _

__I jolted my head up from where it lay on my pillow. “What?”_ _

__“That’s how many dots are on each square on the ceiling.”_ _

__I shook my head in disbelief. “You could’ve talked to me to pass the time, you know, instead of doing that.”_ _

__“I just felt like it.”_ _

__I sank back onto my pillow. “I’m sorry for asking about your condition. It’s not my business.”_ _

__“It’s ok. I would’ve done the same.”_ _

__I heard Penny breathing quickly. “Are you ok?” I asked._ _

__“I’m going to die,” she whispered, closing her eyes, trying not to cry. “I’m going to die soon. And so are you.”_ _

__“No,” I began, trying to sooth her, “You’ll be alright, and so will I. “We’ll be great.”_ _

__“No,” she said, tears rolling down her cheeks, regardless of her eyes being squeezed shut. “I’m so sick. This goddamn cancer-- I could’ve been a nurse. I would’ve been.”_ _

__“And you still can be,” I said, my throat swelling up. I swung my legs over my bed and slowly walked to hers. I crawled in next to her, making sure our wires didn’t get tangled up. “You’ll become a nurse and wheel me around when we grow up.”_ _

__Penny chuckled through her tears. “I’ll only wheel you around when you break a bone doing a dangerous stunt on the broadway stage.”_ _

__I smile faintly, picturing the fantasy. “It’ll happen.”_ _

__Penny’s smile faded, however. “I have no hope anymore. There’s no purpose for me except to read Percy’s fucking letters. And he doesn’t even write that often anymore. Soon, I’ll have nothing new to read.”_ _

__“That’s not true, I’m sure he’s just busy,” I said, putting my arm around Penny. She instantly curled into me, and I kissed her forehead softly. “We’ll live for another year. I promise.”_ _

__“But you don’t know.”_ _

__“Yes, I do. Even if we’re not physically on this earth, we’ll still live. We’ll always belong.”_ _

__Penny sighed and curled onto my chest. My skin heated up and prickled. I was very conscious of Penny’s hot breath against my right breast._ _

__“Imagine,” I said, closing my eyes against Penny’s balding head, “A nurse and an actress. What an unstoppable team we’ll be.”_ _

__“I love you,” was Penny’s response. I felt her drifting off to sleep. Her breathing evened out, and_ _

__I held her closer. “I love you too,” I replied._ _

__…_ _

__That night, I dreamed of nothing but angels, blue scrubs, and stage lights blinding my vision._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to Edgar Allen Poe, Laura Montgomery, and the writers of Cheers.
> 
> The Anne of Green Gables reference is actually from the Netflix show "Anne With An E" instead of the books, but I liked this quote from the show (the show isn't as good as the books, but I still recommend it).


	8. What Are You Left With When The Lights Go Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m such a… I don’t know a word for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had an online writing camp this week, that's why this post is late

*1996*

I wake up, but I don’t open my eyes. I hear voices to my left. I begin to go through everything that I have to do today.

I have to open my eyes.

I have to use the loo.

I have to do my morning exercises.

I have to take my morning nap during chemo. 

I have to ask Sprout for the teaching table before McGonagall arrives.

I have to do nothing for the rest of the day.

I have to die.

It’s a short list; it always has been since I came here. Pomfrey recommended making them in the morning as I slowly began to forget the days, so this is how I keep track of them now. The loss of memory is apparently a side effect of the chemo, but it doesn’t affect me too much. It has to do with my cognitive memory or some shite. A doctor explained it to me once, but I forgot a long time ago. It’s just part of my schedule now.

I open my eyes and shift my legs. I no longer need to do that this morning. The curtain is drawn, and Pomfrey notices my sudden movement.

“Terrific, you’re awake,” she chirps. She leaves Parvati’s side to bustle over to mine, adjusting my arm to detach the chemo and put some other fluids in. I grimace at the all too familiar feeling of the medication running through my shoulder, and let out a deep breath when it stopped. I turn my gaze to Parvati, who’s reaching to the other side of her bed to retrieve something, no doubt a book. I feel a slight blush creeping up my neck as I notice the way the rear of Parvati’s gown comes undun a bit, exposing a section of her smooth, bony back. I glance away uncomfortably, and try to get the image of Parvati naked out of my mind. Since when did it even enter? I was just thinking about her back, not her breasts, and then--

Oh god.

No.

Bullocks.

Not again. I can’t go through this again. Even if there was an ‘again’ at all, which there wasn’t.

There _wasn’t. ___

__But then again, _had _there been? She had touched my breasts, at all, and said she liked women…___ _

____No._ _ _ _

____Bullocks._ _ _ _

____Stop, Lavender._ _ _ _

____I glance at Pomfrey. “McGonagall’s coming today,” I say in an attempt to get Parvati and her off my mind. “I’ll need the teaching table today.”_ _ _ _

____“No problem,” she answered, pressing a few buttons on my machine. “Maybe Parvati can sit in with you lot; she doesn’t have an MRI scheduled during that time today.”_ _ _ _

____From across the room, I can see Parvati look up from her book at the mention of her name._ _ _ _

____“No,” I say instantly. I burn the image of her nude out of my mind._ _ _ _

____“Why not?” Pomfrey says, putting her hands on her large hips. “I’m sure McGonagall won’t mind.”_ _ _ _

____“That’s not the problem,” I mutter._ _ _ _

____“I thought you two were getting along these days.”_ _ _ _

____“I talked to her once.”_ _ _ _

____“You do realize I can hear you,” Parvati shoots across the room to me._ _ _ _

____“I don’t care,” I shoot back. I look up at Pomfrey. “May I have my exercise ball, please?” I ask, my voice dripping with sarcasm._ _ _ _

____Pomfrey sighs. “It’s in your drawer like always. You’re perfectly capable of reaching it yourself.”_ _ _ _

____I roll my eyes. If that’s how she’s going to be today, then so be it. “Fine.”_ _ _ _

____Pomfrey gives a satisfying nod. “I’ll be back in a little bit. Buzz if you need anything,” she adds to Parvati, since she’s still new. Parvati nods back, and I begin to unplug my attached meds from the wall in preparation to go to the loo._ _ _ _

____Parvati goes back to her book as I open the door with weak hands, dragging my machine behind me. I enter the loo in a hurry. The tiles feel cold against my socked feet as I rush to the toilet, sighing as I relieve myself. I wipe, pull my undergarments up (with the usual difficulty; the IV in my arm makes it hard to bend it), and wash my hands. After I dry them, I begin to pace on the smooth, cold tile. The loo is the only kind of privacy I ever get, so I always try to make the most of it. During these times, I sometimes lose myself in thoughts, but today I refuse, I do my best to keep them on point._ _ _ _

____I’m such a… I don’t know a word for it._ _ _ _

____I get a glimpse of Parvati’s bare skin and suddenly I’m obsessing over it? It’s not like I haven’t seen her like that before. It’s hard _not _to in rooms as small as these.___ _ _ _

______I think of Paravti’s body, her ample breasts sinking into flesh that would _definitely _not be mine, and I suddenly feel a familiar feeling between my thighs.___ _ _ _ _ _

________I swear in disbelief, and sit back on the toilet. I’ve done this a few times in the past year, even some embarrassing research through other patients (by that I mean asking them about it), but it’s never come on like this. So… so at the moment. And I hate it, but I want to feel what I felt the last time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I shimmy my panties off again, and kick them to the side. I reach my hand under my gown, and begin to rub (my clit, someone told me once. The thing that gives me the most pleasure is my clit). I put my hand on the handlebar next to the toilet to steady myself as the pleasure rushes in like a dam breaking. My breath hitches, and I pray that no one hears as I begin to rub faster again my clit, my back arching as sweat appears behind my knees and heat swoops through my, like someone’s rolling dough on a counter top and, the dough’s my pleasure and the counter top is me. My hand leans back as I can feel myself getting close, and suddenly I’m finishing, and I’m bucking my hips, and it feels amazing…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And then it’s over._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And I feel worse than before, because I have no idea what to do. I take a deep breath, and begin the process of sliding my panties back up my legs. These new feelings… Well, they’re not new, I guess,_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I first got them when she was here, and then a few times later over the course of the year. So, it’s nothing strange._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Except..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I only got those feelings when I wanted sex. I’d have a few male roommates, and some of them were very handsome, so I wasn’t surprised when I put my hand in my underwear and I felt dampness._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________But I don’t want sex now, I reassure myself. It’s only because I haven’t been exposed to anyone else's skin in a year. It could’ve been anyone’s skin that turned me on. That’s it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I nod, satisfied with my bathroom visit. I check the room clock; McGonagall would be here soon, and I want to get my nap in. I wash my hands yet again, and return to my bed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I close my eyes, and breathe deeply. Before I know it, I’m asleep, and I only dream of clouds._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments please! It brings me such joy  
> xoxo
> 
> PS: wear your fucking masks! It's not that hard! Some of us want to go outside this fall!


	9. To Love Another Person Is To See The Face Of God

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys summer is halfway over and I'd really like to go to school in the fall...

*1995*

She asked me if I liked boys. I said who wouldn’t. She said her, even though she had a boyfriend. I loved her just the same.

…

I opened my eyes. My machine was beeping quietly a;erting me to its now empty bag. Groaning slightly, I rolled over in my uncomfortable position to press the button that called for the nurse. The call button lit up and I focused my breathing. In, out. In, out. Nurse Flitwick came in and changed the drip bags, doing his best to make sure to be as silent as possible, which I appreciated each night that he attended to me. With the other nurses, I usually wasn’t so lucky; Pomfrey tended to mutter to herself as she adjusted my doses, and one couldn’t go a night without hearing Sprout trip over stray medical instruments or personal belongings left on the floor in a patient’s room.

Once my eyes had adjusted to the light and Flitwick had left, I let my eyes drift over to where Penny lay. I watched as her figure moved up and down slowly. I smiled to myself, remembering our conversation from the previous day. She loved poetry, just like me. Langston Hughes, James Baldwin, Jean Toomer, Maya Angelou, the greats…

I couldn't wait to share more poetry with her.

Just then, Penny gave a soft snore with her mouth. I watched, bemused, as a string of hair fell from over her shoulder and moved back and forth against her nose as she breathed.

Oh, how glorious life was. It was the little things, it truly was, that made me very happy. Even if Penny hadn’t liked the same poets, I’d have loved her just the same. I loved the way she scrunched up her nose when she couldn’t figure out maths during tutoring. I loved how she always clasped her hands together and earnestly said ‘let’s see’ when there was a game show on television. I loved the way her feet would shake on the floor when she was nervous, and I’d hug her and tell her it’d be ok, the way she’d poke at things with her feet, because she always had to be moving, the way she’d sing softly in the dark at night, and I’d join her and we’d sing a beautiful duet that could pave our way to Broadway, how she’d laugh at how ridiculous the cast of _Friends _were, how she could pull extensive Shakespeare quotes out of thin air, how we’d laugh together.__

__I loved the way…_ _

__I loved everything about her._ _

__Fuck, maybe I even loved _her. _____

____Wait. What had I just said?_ _ _ _

____I tore my eyes away from Penny and gazed towards the ceiling, trying to block the sound of Penny breathing out of my mind. I shook my head and thought that this couldn’t be true, because I liked _boys _like Harry and Ron, I liked toned, masculine bodies with the faces of Jude Law. I wasn’t at all interested in girls’ bodies… or was I?___ _ _ _

______I began to breathe harder, and my skin began to tingle. My head felt heavy, and I leaned back against my pillows, running my fingers through the little hair I had. I didn’t want to like girls, I hated the fact that there was even a _possibility _of me liking girls. Which I didn’t.___ _ _ _ _ _

________And I even if I _did _like them, which I _didn’t, _my mother would’ve disowned me on the spot. She’s not the kind to tolerate that sort of nonsense._____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Lavender?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I jolted out of my spot where I lay. “Yeah, Penny?” Had I said anything aloud throughout my pondering? I hoped to the heavens not._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You were breathing a bit hard. Should I call the nurse or something?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“No.” I let out a deep breath to calm myself down, and closed my eyes. “It was just a bad dream. You can get back to sleep.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I have bad dreams too, sometimes,” Penny replied. I heard a faint rustling, and suddenly there was a movement in my mattress. And I found Penny sitting next to me on the bed. I inhaled sharply, remembering what happened the last time she sat this close to me. “Do you want to tell me what happened?” She asked._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Erm…” I struggled to make something up. “There was this… magic world, and this… boy saved the world when he was just a baby… and then a bunch of stuff happened, but then I died in the end.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“How could a baby save the world?” Penny asked curiously._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Hell if I know,” I replied shakily. “I’m trying to remember… I think his mother’s love put a spell on him and backfired on the dude that was trying to kill him.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Maybe,” Penny began, trying to analyze the nightmare I hadn’t had, “your subconsciousness was trying to tell you something. Like, you never got the love from your mother that you truly desired, so you can’t save the world like he can, so you end up dead.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I stared at Penny incredulously. “Maybe.” Had my own thoughts conceived that in such a short amount of time? I hadn’t even thought about the scenario I was describing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“What kind of stuff happened?” Do you remember?” Penny pressed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I chuckled. “I can’t remember _any _dream that well. Also, why do you even care?”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Penny looked hurt. She brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, and said, “Because I like hearing you talk. And even if you don’t remember, just humor me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Erm… ok.” I pretended not to think about how odd that was, even coming from Penny. I tried to think of an interesting plot to entertain her. “After the spell backfired on the villain, everyone celebrated, for they were free from his reign at last, and they were safe in their secret magical community. All was well until a few years later, when the boy learned that he was from the magical world. At that time, he was living with his relatives--”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Wait, wait,” Penny interrupted. Sorry, but this story needs names. What’s the boy’s name?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I shrugged, trying to think of a name. My gaze drifted to the room across the hall. “Harry.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Penny bursted out laughing. “Alright. Harry. What happened then?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________‘Harry left his annoying relatives and sought refuge in his new magical school. He made a few friends over the years, but his best friend was Ron.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Of course it was.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“And… I don’t know what could happen after that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Penny laid back on my bed and stretched out. I mocked her position to lay by her side. “Who are we?” she asked._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Er… we can be the people in the background who don’t get into trouble. You have a boyfriend named Percy, of course.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Right.” Penny agreed to this instantly, but I could tell that her voice was a bit strained._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Harry,” I continued in an attempt to move off the topic of boyfriends, “continued to be the saviour of the world, because the villain returned after a few years, and had to be defeated, or the magical world would once again be on the brink of exposing themselves to the normal world._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“And he saves the world, and we all live happily ever after.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“That’s a great story,” Penny said. “What would the villain’s name be?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Tom. Definitely Tom.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Creepy Tom from upstairs who likes to play with snakes Tom?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Yes.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I can see it.” Just then, Penny turned her head towards me, and I did the same, so we were inches away from each other. Maybe even closer. “I’m glad you came here,” she said. I could feel her warm breath on my nose. “Well, you know, I’m not glad about the cancer thing, but you could’ve been moved to a different ward, and I’d have never--”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Penny stopped suddenly when I leaned forward and kissed her, curing my hand around her neck._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Well, I _imagined _kissing her in that very second. I didn’t of course, but I wanted to, especially when I felt the wetness between my legs again.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________In an attempt to distract myself, I interrupted her by saying, “You should write a book about what we just imagined.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Penny snorted. “Right. And then they’d make it into movies, have a corny musical adaptation of it, then transfer a sequel play to broadway, then make movie prequels.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Yes.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Wait, you were serious?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Of course. I believe in you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Thanks. Maybe I will, who knows. I’ll ask my parents to get me a typewriter for Christmas, and off I’d be. Writing.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Make sure to mention me when you get famous. It was _my _dream, after all.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I will.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________(A few hours later, in the morning)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________She was silent for a moment. “Do you like boys?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Are you some sort of… queer?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________"Wish me luck!" Penelope said to me as she rolled out of the room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________"Good luck, see you in a few hours!" I called after her. She gave me a little wave as she disappeared down the corridor. “Remember my dream!” I added on jokingly. It’d give her something to think about._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I will!” I heard her call back, faintly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Two words._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________And poof, like in a magical world, she was gone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Forever._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you notice? lol


	10. No Matter Where I Am, I Hear It Beating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this one. It took me a while to write, because I tried to get it perfect, idk

*1996*

I am not a normal human being. I know this, and everyone else knows this; parents have told me on numerous occasions that it's unnatural to stay in a bed all day doing nothing but flipping through the channels. I know this. But there's nothing I can do about it. There's no way to magically heal me, no way to make everything hate disappear. No way to make Parvati disappear.

Why can't I just live my life like a normal human being and die early instead of being forced to endure pain and suffering, living no type of life, just to stay alive for a few more decades. It's not fucking fair. Why do I subject myself to this at all? For the longest time, I had no answer. But then...

“Hey, did you go over problem eight in the homework McGonagall assigned for us yet? I’m having a bit of trouble with it.”

“She didn’t assign it to _you,” _I say condescendingly, “She’s _my _tutor. You just happened to be there, that’s all.”____

____Parvati huffed. “She said it would better my understanding of maths if I were to work on these problems. I'm pretty sure that’s called assigning.”_ _ _ _

____I grit my teeth. If maths wasn’t hard enough before, now I have to deal with Parvati sticking her pretty nose into my academic life. “Just leave me alone, will you?”_ _ _ _

____“Did you get x equals negative six?” Parvati asks as though I haven't said anything at all. I choose not to speak._ _ _ _

____“Why do you ignore me so?” Parvati asks in a light voice, the way one might in a fairytale._ _ _ _

____“You’ll be long gone soon enough; why should I bother to get to know you?”_ _ _ _

____“What?”_ _ _ _

____I roll my eyes, annoyed. I don’t care what she thinks. “Oh, please,” I continue with my voice rising, “No one stays more than a few weeks. A month, tops. You’ll be out of here before I even get this worksheet done.” I gesture to the maths in front of me._ _ _ _

____“That can't be true.” Parvati says, honestly shocked. “I’ll live a long time. I _must.” _____ _ _

______“Come on!” I finally lose it. “Take What’s-His-Name--Neville, for instance!” I yell. “He didn’t die, but he moved to another ward to be with his parents! He was here for the longest time, and yet hardly _anybody _remembers him! Maybe Hermione would, but he just wasn‘t memorable enough, I couldn’t even remember his name at first, for Christ's sake, and don’t even ask me what he looked like, because I sure as hell can’t tell you!”___ _ _ _ _ _

________“I-” Parvati tries to interrupt, but I’m just getting started._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Ask Draco about, er, _Pansy, _and what’ll he do? He’ll rack his brain to _try _to remember! Our chemo brains have been alive for too long to contain any information anymore. Fuck, I don’t even remember how long _Penny _was here!” I take a deep breath. My limbs are tingling._______ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Who’s Penny?” Parvati asks timidly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I glare at her. “Never you mind,” I snarl. “I shouldn’t have said that.” I look down at my feet, suddenly feeling very tired, and not just from my chemo. I fall backwards onto my bed, collapsing into my sheets._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Woah, Lavender, are you ok?” In an instant, she’s beside me supporting my head. “I should call for Pomfrey,” she says worriedly.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“No, don’t,” I say. I struggle to lift my weak body up from its horizontal position. “I just need some water or something.” Parvati reaches over me to grab my bottle from my nightstand, and I can feel her breasts against my leg. She points the straw to me and I take a sip, instantly feeling relief surge through my aching body. I take a deep breath. “I’m feeling better.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Good.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I’m sorry I blew up at you. I just want to be remembered.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Don't get mad at me again,” Parvati begins, “but I don’t think you’re doing a very good job. I mean, all you do is sit around.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________I glare at her. _“You _try writing a bloody book about an orphan boy who learns he’s a bloody wizard or something. By hand, I should mention. You wouldn’t get very far either.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Is… that… erm, something you’ve been trying to do?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I take another sip of water. “It was Penny’s idea, and I wanted to continue it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Again, you mention Penny, but you won’t tell me who she is.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I turn to face Parvati. “What are you, some kind of bloody therapist? You’ve been reading too much or Jane Austen. So cliche, I’ll tell you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“It may be cliche, but it’s fantastic literature,” Parvati argues. “You should read her sometime.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I shrug. “Oh, I’ve read enough of her. I’ve read _Emma, _and watched _Clueless _when it came out last year.”_____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“It’s not--” Parvati pauses and sighs. “Stop changing the subject. I asked about Penny.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“She was my first roommate.” I say without meaning to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“And… where is she today?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________I snort, trying my best to prevent the tears swelling in my eyes. “She died. Just like everyone does around here.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“That must’ve affected you greatly.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________I scoff, again, and wipe my eyes, hoping Parvati doesn’t notice, but of course she does. “That’s an understatement.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Parvati’s eyes grow wide once she realizes I’m crying, which is bloody _embarrassing, _because I don't remember the last time I cried. I angrily wave off her attempts to give me a tissue. “I don’t need one.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Maybe it would help if you talked about her a bit,” Parvati offers._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________I grit my teeth. “Will you stop with the therapist act?” I ask._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“No,” she says. “I want to know what causes you to behave this way.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________I consider giving her the silent treatment, but in the end I realize it’s petty, and it won’t help my situation. I chose my next words very carefully. “I loved her,” I say truthfully. “She was the first friend I ever had.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Parvati nods, very into the role. “I see,” she says. We could be watching a scene from a movie or story, I realize, seeing as that she’s acting so cliche it kills me. Nevertheless, I sigh, weary from my constant fighting, and give in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“I loved her… more than a friend, one could say.” I bite my lip and out of the corner of my eye, I see Parvati’s reaction. She stiffens and her face flushes; she could’ve been Ron Weasley’s sister. I pretend not to see it, waiting for her response._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Oh… kay,” she ends up saying, quite awkwardly in my opinion._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Have you ever met someone who fancies girls before?” I ask, feeling bold, but trying my best to get an image of Parvati nude out of my head. I’m very nervous, so I take a sip of water, and its coolness calms me down._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“No.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Oh.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Yeah.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________After a few uncomfortable moments, Parvati says, “I’ve never known anyone to fancy girls besides me, though.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________I whip my head towards Parvati. “But you said you found Harry attractive.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“I fancy both girls and lads,” Parvati explains, looking down at her lap, embarrassed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Oh. Interesting,” I say, and immediately bite my tongue._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Why is it interesting?” Parvati asks curiously._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________I silently groan, and take a deep breath, hoping I don’t go into another coughing fit. Here goes nothing. “Well,” I begin, “Lately I’ve been having these… _feelings.” _Parvati urges me to continue, so I do. “About you, I mean, and oh, bloody hell this is _embarrassing _I feel _completely _out of character, but now that I know you like girls, I wonder… if you think about me sometimes or somethin’.”_______ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“Oh… Well,” Parvati scratches the top of her head. “I mean, bloody, I used to, back when I first came here, because I thought I’d have an experience out of one of my novels or something. But then you never talked to me, so I gave it up. But I gave you that Guess Who album--it just be your favourite or something-- you started talking to em, and I got to see what a cool person you are. So, I kind of started thinking about you again, in a different way.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“A good way?” I ask. I can’t control what’s running through my mind at the moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“Yes,” Parvati says. ‘A very good way.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________I scoff. “I hardly even talked to you, though.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________Parvati shrugs. “I can see the goodness inside you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________I stare at her incredibly. “That may be the dumbest shite I’ve ever heard, and I’ve heard a lot of dumb shite to last me a lifetime.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________Parvati says, “I’m sorry,” and I begin to snicker, because I can’t help myself; the situation is bloody funny. Parvati joins in, and before we know it, we’re both bursting with laughter, rolling around the bed, not minding if our port wires get tangled._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“Don't… apologize… so… much,” I am laughing,clutching my stomach. Then I feel the horrible sensation, and I lean towards the edge of the bed, wheezing, and I’m _dying, it’s real this time... _Parvati thankfully knows not to clap me on the back. She instantly stops laughing, holds the hair that I’[ve got behind my ears, and lets me cough everything up into the rubbish bin kept beside my bed. A bit of bile dribbles out at the end, and I bury my face in my hands, embarrassed.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________“It’s ok,” Parvati whispers, gently rubbing my back. “Let’s go rinse your mouth out.” I nod, and with Parvati’s help, slowly walk towards the loo. Inside, I refuse her help, because I can brush my teeth myself, thank you very much, but I relent when she puts a cold washcloth to my forehead, allowing my sweaty skin to calm down. I sigh and close my eyes, sinking down onto the floor. Parvati sinks with me, thankfully not removing the cloth from my head. Slowly, when I feel better, I open my eyes and make eye contact with her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________“Thanks,” I say._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________“No problem,” she replies._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________I begin to think for a moment, but then I think _bloody, enough with the thinking, Lavender, _so I lean forwards to capture my lips with hers. She melts into me easily. The wet cloth slides out of her hands and land lands with a plop on the floor, but neither of us hear it. I’m too entranced with her, the way she tilts her chin up and moves her hands up and down my arms. And suddenly I begin to panic, because what am I supposed to do now? Our lips are sort of in a locked state, so nothing is happening, and I’m thinking that there’s more to snogging than this. On a whim my mouth parts, and I cautiously swipe my tongue along her bottom lip. Her lips part immediately, and I take a moment to congratulate myself, but then I feel Parvati’s tongue against mine, and suddenly we’re _truly _snogging, and I finally know what the hype is about. It feels so… so grand, and I don’t know how it ends, because every thought I had suddenly flew out the window, and I collapsed into a sea full of harmony, snogging, blissfulness, and Parvati._____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________And for the first time in a long time, I’m sure that I’m in love._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Book recommendations? I'd really like some. xoxo


	11. Death Doesn't Discriminate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title: Death with Dignity, by Sufjan Stevens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow... Two chapters in one day. This one's a short one on purpose. Chapter twelve will hopefully be coming shortly.

*1995*

“But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, Who is already sick and pale with grief.”

...

The sun sets in the west. I knew that. The sun will always fall, no matter what. She’ll fall back into the earth, where She belongs. Where She can love and live properly once again. Where She won’t see me for many more years, if I’m unlucky.

…

Pomfrey came in. At least I thought it was her, but I really couldn’t be sure. I didn’t know what to think. Suddenly, a tear rolled down my cheek, but I couldn’t move to wipe it away. And then another tear, and another, and then I was sobbing and sobbing and covering my face and my damn IV kept getting in the way and someone was hushing me but I couldn’t, I couldn’t breathe…

…

She couldn’t breathe in Her last moments either, apparently, So I thought I was dead, but I could feel someone’s hands on mine, maybe it was Her’s, but no… her’s were bigger and ruberier and bonier…

…

They were telling me to take deep breaths, because I could and She couldn’t. But She was coming back, right? She only left for an MRI…

…

My head hurt, and the lights were blinding me. I closed my eyes. I kept them closed as they brought in a birthday cake (how the bloody hell was it my birthday again? It was only a few months ago!), as the boys next door tried to talk to me, as “Share The Land” by The Guess Who pounded loudly next door. I drifted away, because nothing really mattered anymore. You were here one second, and gone the next. I learned that the hard way.

So I closed my eyes for most of the year. And I didn’t ever feel like opening them or talking again. That is, until--

Well, you already know, don’t you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wear a goddamn mask. Also give me book recommendations if you didn't on the last chapter. xoxo


	12. Forget Regret, Or Life Is Yours To Miss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow.. updating the next day... how unlike me! I guess chilling on my grandma's balcony at midnight is the way to get inspired.

*1996*

_“Wise… men… say… only fools… rush… in…” ___

__Elvis plays on the radio as Parvati and I lie next to each other on my bed._ _

__“But I, can’t help…” I sing to Parvati, “falling in love, with you. _She gazes back at me in wonder.__ _

___“You have a beautiful voice.”_ _ _

___“Why, thank you very much,” I reply playfully._ _ _

___“No, I mean it. You should go on broadway or something.”_ _ _

___I shift to face her. “Parvati, I’m sorry again for being such a dolt to you.”_ _ _

___“I understand. Also, there’s no need to call me Parvati. You can call me Par.”_ _ _

___“Ok… Par.” The name fits perfectly in my mouth, like the sun and the moon, or the west and the sun; the sun sinks into the west. I am the west, and Par is the sun; she sinks into my arms gracefully, and I nuzzle her neck._ _ _

___…_ _ _

___My mum’s coming today,” I tell Par as she lies in my arms. She lays her head on my abdomen, and I listen to her soft breathing. “I wonder what guy will be hanging off her arm this time.”_ _ _

___Par looks up at me. “Why don’t you just tell her that you need a permenant father figure in your life?”_ _ _

___I shrug from my position on my bed. “We’re just too different. It’d be bloody weird to talk about that kind of thing with her.”_ _ _

___“But she’s your mum,” Par argues, her beautiful eyes locking with mine. I can’t resist them._ _ _

___I sigh. “Not even you could make me do something so hard,” I mutter. “We just don’t talk like that. It’s all pretend, you realize. She only pretends to care about me.”_ _ _

___“That can’t be true; she always wants to get you things, you just don’t want them.”_ _ _

___I scoff. “Yeah, like cookies are the same thing as love and affection. But I don’t even need that from her; I have you now.”_ _ _

___Par bites her bottom lip and makes puppy dog eyes. “I do give you love and affection, don’t I?”_ _ _

___“You do, yes.”_ _ _

___‘Well,” Par says with a mischievous glint in her eyes, “Would you like some more?”_ _ _

___I roll my eyes. “I don’t even know how that’s possib--”_ _ _

___Par cuts me off by leaning forward and kissing me deeply. I instantly give in, wrapping my arms around the arch of her back as she leans into me. I can feel our breasts meshed together, which gives me the happily little tingling down by my clit. I move my hips slowly as Par traces her lips in circles around my neck, like a bird getting ready to catch his prey. I tilt my head against the thin hospital mattress and bring my arms between our bodies, feeling the outline of Par’s hard nipples in between my fingers._ _ _

___Par lets out a soft moan as I squeeze my finger together, and she sucks on a spot near my collarbone, causing me to close my eyes. I let Par take over, praying that Sprout won’t come in to see two patients trying to get off on a bed. Par makes her way down my body, snaking her hands behind my back and unting my hospital gown._ _ _

___“Is this ok?” she whispers against the top of my breasts._ _ _

___“Yes,” I breathe back, almost inaudible due to the anticipation seeping through my veins, cutting off my will to speak._ _ _

___Par strips from me, careful to not get it tangled with my IV cords. I only have panties and socks on now, and I curl up in embarrassment. Par draws back immediately, a look of concern sketched on her face. “Is everything ok?” she asks. “There’s no need to be ashamed. You look beautiful.”_ _ _

___I can feel a flush creeping up my neck. “I-- Just-- This is a cancer body,” I finally stammer, focusing on the cabinets nailed in behind Par._ _ _

___Par shrugs. “And you don’t think I have cancer?” she asks jokingly._ _ _

___Now it’s my turn to shrug. “I’ve had it longer than you.”_ _ _

___Par purses her lips. “Would you like to see me too?” she asks. Slowly, I nod, ready to analyze every inch of her perfect body and then criticize my own. Par unties her gown and throws it to the side. She wears panties, and my eyes are immediately drawn to the IV sticking out of her port. I glance away a second later, feeling ashamed in a way I’ve never felt before._ _ _

___“I get it,” Par says. “You’ve always hated being labeled by cancer, but when you look at me, that’s the first thing you think of, isn’t it?”_ _ _

___I shake my head. “No, I was just admiring how beautiful you are,” I half lie._ _ _

___Par sighs. ‘Well, you’re not a hypocrite,” she continues. “I do the same thing. It bloody sucks, but it’s society’s fault. My philosophy is: when there's a problem ion life, never hesitate to blame it on society.”_ _ _

___“You’re damn right,” I chuckle. I begin to uncurl myself from the covers. “I’m ready,” I say, the familiar tingle back._ _ _

___Par tilts her head back and laughs. “God, this is _so _cliche.”___ _ _

_____I burst out laughing, and Parvati lowers herself onto me. “Is this ok?” she asks when I settle down._ _ _ _ _

_____“Yeah,” I whisper, and we both collapse into a sea full of pleasure._ _ _ _ _

_____…_ _ _ _ _

_____Sex, I decide, will be a marvelous thing. When Par and I get to that point in our relationship, that is (we’re dating! Haven’t you heard?). For now, I’m at a total bliss as Par furiously rubs her fingers up and down my clit. I buck my hips, knowing from p[revious experience of my state. I groan as she sucks on my nipples, as she traces my face with her hand like she can’t get enough of it, as she _makes love _to me. I finally understand the term, after reading the once ugly phrase in a book every so often. _Making Love, _that’s what Par and I are doing right now. Well, obviously, not completely, but I still feel a connection between us. It’s pulling us closer and closer together, and _bloody god _I’m cliche, but I suppose Par’s rubbing off on me (figuratively and literally, both of which I absolutely love). I’m close and a burn rushes through my body, but it’s not like all the other times I’ve finished. I inhale sharply and squeeze my eyes shut as Par rubs me through my orgasm, which is thankfully long, slow, and possibly the best one I’ve ever had._______ _ _ _ _

___________When I finish, Par is looking at me, puzzled. ‘You didn’t jizz,” she says. “I mean, not that that’s a bad thing, which it’s _not, _I just thought there would be.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________I shrug, no longer embarrassed. “I usually don’t,” I say._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Ok,” Par says, and that’s the end of that. She gives me a quick kiss, which turns into a long kiss, which turns into an even longer snog, and then she leaves to go wash her hands in the loo. I sigh and, after I’ve put my gown back on, I lie back on my bed with a stupid smile on my face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________I’d really like to do that again, I decide._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Knock, knock._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________I open my eyes from my awkward position on Par’s bed, and rush to mine when I see my mum at the door. She has a different man behind her, of course._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Mum walks over to my bed, and kisses the top of my head. I fake a grin as she hugs me. It’s good to see you,” she says. She glances behind her at the man waiting by the door. “Have you met Noah yet?” I nod my head, and out of the corner of my eyes, I can see Par look down at her lap, because she knows I’m lying._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“How ‘bout you introduce me to your new roommate?” Mum whispers, gesturing to Par, who’s pretending to read a book instead of openly eavesdropping._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________I roll my eyes. “Mum, you saw her _last _time you were here?”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________“Gosh, _did _I?” Mum places a hand on her heart. “I must've forgotten, I’m dreadfully sorry.” Suddenly, she turns to Par, who looks up.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“I’m Parvati,” the latter announces, sticking a hand out to my mum. She takes it carefully. “I’m Lavender’s girlfr--”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________”Good _friend,” I interrupt, glancing awkwardly between the two women. “Par is my good friend.”__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________“Well, that’s just _lovely,” _Mum gushes, clearly pleased that I’ve finally made a friend besides a record album.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________The man standing in the door clears his throat. I feel a sense of déjà vu rush over me, and my head suddenly feels light._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________Mum looks back at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________“Mum, you can go if you want.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________“I’ve only been here a few minutes, though…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________“Mum. You clearly want to go. I’ll see you next week. Have fun.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________Mum smiles gratefully at me in return. “I’ll bring you back something nice,” she says._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________“I’m sure you will,” I reply, even though I know she won’t._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________“What would you like?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________“Surprise me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________Mum gives a strained smile. “I’ll see you soon, Lavie,” she calls as she walks out the door with Nathan or somebody. I’ve already forgotten his name, but it’s not as if I’ll ever have to remember it again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________As soon as Mum is out the door, Par gives a huff._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________“What?” I ask._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________I get no response._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	13. Worthwhile To Think Of Every Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> El Fin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wrote this in one go, you're welcome

*1997*

My hand moves under my panties, furiously rubbing against my clit. I feel my skin heat up as I begin to get close, and I think of Par and me. I close my eyes, and a wonderful fantasy suddenly forms behind them.

I'm floating on an endless amount of water, no land in sight. The only sounds are my own breathing, and the water splashing up against my side. Blue is all I can see if I keep my head flat and turn to the sky; there are no clouds around. Everything is perfect. I turn to look at the beautiful girl to my left. She smiles at me and I smile back.

Our fingers touch slightly and we both laugh and blush as we spread out further in the area. I take a deep breath and flip over, disrupting the peace of the water. She stays afloat by kicking her legs slightly, curious as to why I turned so suddenly. I take hold of her hips and place one hand on the back of her head so she won't sink. I lower my lips to hers and kiss her gently, savoring the precious moment we're sharing together. I take a breath for air and she smiles at me with a heart full of love. She calls me beautiful and I blush and she think I'm cute especially when I blush and I say no I'm not and she firmly says yes you are and I laugh and she doesn't want to kiss me because she doesn't want to cut my laugh off because she thinks it's adorable and I pull her down beside me and she wraps our legs together and we just lay there for what seems like days. I gaze into her eyes, and that's all I need to see to keep from floating away forever.

***

My breath picks up, and my other hand sneaks its way up to my breasts. I change my perspective on the fantasy.

***

We would climb up on the rocks and just sit there, enjoying each other's company. I would stare at you and ask myself how did I get so freaking lucky. We'd dangle our ankles in the water and you'd catch my eye. It's a beautiful day and you're beautiful, I'd say, just to make you smile and blush. You'd say thanks, you too and I'd ask how did I get so lucky and you'd answer by asking the same question and then lean forward to capture my lips in a kiss. You’d feel the bump of my port, but you wouldn't care because you would be wonderful.

Fish would swim around our feet and we'd giggle as they tickled our toes. I'd stretch and put my arm around your waist and you'd lay your head against my shoulder. I'd kiss the tip of your head and we'd both gaze out into the falling sun and hope this perfect moment would never end, because then you’d slip your finger down my panties…

***

Of, course, dreams never last forever. My chest heaves as pleasure snakes up from my clit, leaving me shaking and shivering from the sudden cold. I cover myself with a blanket, and anxiously wriggle into my drawstring hospital trousers. Penny returns from her physical therapy appointment about ten minutes later.

She’s still ignoring me, and I grit my teeth, annoyed.

“Come on,” I groan. “You can’t give me the silent treatment forever.” I roll my eyes as I receive no response; Par opens one of her books and begins to read as though I weren’t even in the room. “This is petty, Par,” I continue. “So what, I don’t want my mum to know about us, because she’d probably disown me on the spot, and you can’t _understand _that?” Par purses her lips, but continues to pretend to read. I know she’s pretending; her eyes aren’t moving across the page, but I know exactly which buttons to push. _”Penny _understood,” I say after a heartbeat. Finally, I get the response I wanted. Well, it wasn’t the exact thing I had in mind, but at least it was something. Anything to hear her sweet voice once again. Par slams her book closed, her majestic eyes brimming with tears.____

____“How.. _dare _you,” her voice shakes, “Why don’t you just, then…” She must change her mind at that moment, for she ends up saying, “Just leave me alone.”___ _ _ _

______“Par,” I say, horrified at myself, “I didn’t mean--”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You didn’t but you did,” Par interrupts. “But I can’t even blame you, even with today…”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Hang on,” I say, carefully going to sit next to Par, although I made sure to remain a fair distance away. “What do you mean, today?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Colin’s dead.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______There was a moment of silence, and I was back in that place again, I couldn't breathe, I was dying, and--_ _ _ _ _ _

______“What-- what do you mean?” I manage to choke out. She couldn't mean that he was really _dead, _right?___ _ _ _ _ _

________Right?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I didn’t,” Par began to rub furiously at her eyes, “I didn’t even _know _him, I mean I’ve only been here _who _knows how long, but he was just here yesterday, and now suddenly he gets a bit of water in his lungs and he dies? It’s just not fair.”_____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“How did you find out?” I ask quietly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I was in physical therapy, and Nurse Hooch was trying to get me to do a few jumping jacks, when all of a sudden a bunch of doctors started flooding the corridors right near me. ‘What’s going one?’ Hooch cried, jumping to her feet. No one answered her of course, but at the end of the session, someone came in and told her, and I heard. And then I walked myself back here.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Par--”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Oh, Lavender,” Par collapses next to me and I cradle her head in my lap, brushing away the tears streaming down her cheeks. “How did you _take _it when Penny died? I didn’t even know Colin, but I still feel for him, of course…” Par trails off.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I didn’t.” I answer quietly. When I don’t hear anything, I continue, my stomach churning. “I didn’t take it. I couldn’t. I had so much pain inside me, and _fuck, _I’m cliche, but, I just didn;t want to feel anything. So after that day, I didn’t.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“And then you met me,” I hear Par whisper,_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“And then I met you,” I agree, stroking her hair. “And everything changed. You made me want to feel something again, Par.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You’re so cliche,” Par giggles through her sniffles, and snuggled further into my lap. I chuckle._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I’m sorry I hid our relationship from my mum,” I say after a few moments. I hear Par sigh._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I’m sorry my response was so immature,” she apologizes back. “It just made me feel insecure, you know? Like you were ashamed of me, or something.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I could never be ashamed of you, Par.” Fuck, her name felt great in my mouth. “I love you.” My mouth goes dry as I wait for her response._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I know,” she says, and we both giggle at her Star Wars reference. Par eventually falls asleep in my lap, and although my legs start to tingle after a while, I wouldn't move for anything in the world._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________(One week later)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________I wear black, and so does everyone else. For some reason, everyone does this at funerals. I pick at a loose thread hanging from the dress I’ve worn a million times, and try to focus on the person speaking. I think it’s Colin’s father. He has his arms around his wife, who holds hands with her timid looking son. Probably a few years younger than Luna, I think as the man turns a page of his speech with a shaking hand. I close my eyes and reflect on how many times I’ve done this. More than enough to last a lifetime, no doubt. I’ve been forced to go to every single one of my roommates, whom I didn’t care about in the slightest, but this was a funeral I’d actually wanted to attend. Par squeezes my hand on my right, and rests her head on my shoulder. I lean back against her, and we remain like that as Hermione and Luna go up to say a few words. We notice that Draco didn’t; he _was _his roommate, after all, but we figured he didn’t care for such things.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Hey,” I whisper to Par as the priest begins his prayers. “I gave my mum a call.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Really?” Par lifts her head to make eye contact with me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Yeah. I decided it was time. I’m going to tell her about us, I think. In the best way possible.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“That’s great,” Par responded, her wonder eyes shining. “I’m so proud of you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________I give a grin. “We’re having lunch next weekend, and I’d like you to come.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I’d love to.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________There’s a feeling in my heart, something I haven’t felt in a while. Relief, maybe. “Fabulous,” I whisper, planting a kiss on the top of her head. Then, I turn to watch sadly as Colin’s coffin closed and prepared for family members to view it later._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________The reception is nice and classy, something I never thought could spring from the Creevey family. There’s cake at a table, and I’m making my way towards it when someone taps me on the shoulder. I turn to see a face I’ve looked at in the same picture a million times, but haven’t seen in a million years._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“You’re Lavender, I presume?” I nod, shocked. “One of the nurses told me who you were,” he said, gesturing to a clump of them, no doubt gossiping and giving condolences in a corner._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Hi,” I say. I don’t know what to do with my hands; they’re suddenly all clammy, so I do my best to discreetly wipe them on my shirt, but I bet he notices._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“You probably know who I am,” he says, shifting from foot to foot uncomfortably._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Percy,” I nod again. I can’t believe that he’s in front of me. “What are you doing here?” I ask._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I-- I wanted to see where Penny lived before, you know. She died. She mentioned in a bunch of her letters that you were her roommate, so I thought-- I don’t know, maybe I could get some closure or something.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Closure,” I repeat, and Percy nods his head in confirmation. “After months of neglect, you finally find out she died and don’t return for a year, not even showing up for her funeral--”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I was there,” Percy interrupts, “I just didn’t speak. And I wasn’t neglecting her, believe me--”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I was there.” I say, a knot forming in my throat, but I will not cry. I can’t. Not now. Not like this. “I was there, and you weren’t. She cried about you a lot. You broke her heart, and you never came to visit.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I did my best,” Percy claims, “But I couldn’t get a day off of work, and--”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Oh, yes, your _government _job. You’d that work out for you, if you don’t mind me asking?”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Percy shrugs, not offended. “I quit. I couldn't take it anymore. This was after Penny died, and it was way too late by then, I know, but I was stupid. I wasn’t quick enough.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I don’t really care. Excuse me,” I say, brushing past him, heading for Par on the other side of the room, chatting with some nurses._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Wait, remember her dream!” he calls after me, but I ignore him, and I don’t stop moving until I’m by Par’s side, gripping her hands as tightly as my weak self can manage._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Because, how could I ever forget it?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________A hero. A villain. Supporting characters. Background characters. Par, Penny, and me. Cancer. Everyone else. The world fades into black after these names, and I’ll make sure that no one ever forgets them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________I will be remembered, and I will have a story. And so will They._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's about it. There's one more chapter after this, which is the epilogue, but you may be a bit confused, so let me clarify a few things.  
> 1). Lavender has lost the concept of time during the year she’s in the hospital. She has what’s occasionally referred to as “chemo brain”, due to the fact that chemo can fuck your brain up pretty badly, especially after receiving treatment for a long time. Just wanted to clear this up in case you thought it was a result of bad writing; no, it was planned.  
> 2). Lavender had been receiving chemo for many years before going to the hospital, that’s why she already has chemo brain when she meets Penny. You gain it after a certain amount of time on medication.  
> 3). Lavender also has anxiety and depression.   
> 4). The official term for Lavender’s condition is Ganglioglioma. You can look it up if you’re interested in learning more about it.  
> 5). I tried to make it as un-Fault-In-Our-Starsy as possible; the book is good, but its premise is used too often. Also when Penny dies, I wanted to just post a few chapters blank, but then I figured that would be copying Twilight lol.  
> 6). I wanted Colin to have a significant role in this story, but it didn’t really play out the way I had originally intended it. He just didn’t fit in Lavender’s tiny world very well, but that’s the lesson she learns, after all.  
> 7). All the chapter titles are phrases from different Broadway shows (you might’ve figured that out already).  
> 8). Black Lives Matter, and they will never stop mattering. AO3 is not meant to be a political site, but it’s really necessary. You, reading this right now, may need to hear it. You matter.


	14. Who Tells Your Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case this chapter counts as plagiarism, I'm giving full credit to JKR (although I wish I could pretend she didn't write such a great story) so hopefully I don't get flagged. You'll see what I mean at the end.

I wake up, but my eyes remain closed. I list everything that I have to do today. Let’s see… I have to return my mum’s call, take a nap, pack the little things I have, and then… Well, the rest of my day is free, because it's my birthday today, again. Or so they tell me. I open my eyes, and look at my surroundings. I remind myself that I’ll be discharged in a few weeks, so I’ll never have to wake up to these drabby white walls again. Instead, I’ll be able to wake up next to Parvati, looking at a fresh coat of paint that was placed in _our _flat. I finally open my eyes and sit up, stretching. I have no wires to untangle, which is truly a relief. My doctors, Cornelius and Dumbledore made a compromise about my recovery. Cornelius Fudge had wanted to keep me on the chemo for another few months, but Dumbledore had been strongly against it. In the end, they both decided to end the chemo, but keep me under observation for the next few weeks and see if I get worse without all my medications. Frankly, I don’t care what they think, as long as I can leave. Par got discharged a month prior, her tumor shrinking quickly under the wrath of the chemo. She visits me daily, often bringing me flowers, records, and poems.__

__I look to my side table and see the lilies she bought me yesterday. How she knew that they were my favourite flowers, I’ll have no idea. Trelawney probably told her at some point. That woman seems to know everything; she could be a Seer. I laugh at the thought of Seers existing; Par has gotten into my mind. Maybe it could be something for the story, though. Speaking of which…_ _

__My gaze drifts to the typewriter sitting on my night table. It’s quite large; I had to remove quite a few books, my lamp, and some other nicknacks so it would fit. In the old machine sits a sheet of paper, waiting patiently to be used. On the other side, there’s a paper which reads _‘Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone’. _That’s the title Par and I chose, though we might have to change it for American audiences, since Trelawney says that the word Philosopher isn’t appealing to their strange minds.___ _

____“Happy birthday, sweetheart,” Par ducks her head in the room. “Visiting hours just started.”_ _ _ _

____I roll my eyes. “Sweetheart is a bit cliche, don’t you think?”_ _ _ _

____“I’m all about them, though. And you know you love them.”_ _ _ _

____“Sure,” I grudgingly agree. “You ready to start writing today?”_ _ _ _

____“Of course,” Par says eagerly. “I’ve collected the names of Harry’s relatives-- they _are _horrid, don’t you think-- and some other information as well.”___ _ _ _

______“Amazing,” I say, pulling Par into my bed. She wrinkles her nose._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I don’t miss this smell at all,” she says._ _ _ _ _ _

______I shrug. “Well, in a few weeks you’ll never have to smell it again, you know that.” Par nods, and grabs the typewriter._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Have you called your mum yet? I’m sure she wants to wish you a happy birthday.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I will soon. I just want to get started on this whilst the creative juices are flowing.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Par snorts. “Right, like that’s even a thing.” She kisses me on the forehead. “So, Harry’s Aunt, Uncle, and cousin are named Petunia, Vernon, and Dudley Dursley respectively. They live on four, Highgate Road. An awful bunch, he claims. Draco’s mum and dad are Narcissa and Lucius Malfoy, and Ron’s parents are Molly and Arthur, with siblings Bill, Charlie, Fred, George, and Ginny Weasley._ _ _ _ _ _

______“It’s funny,” Par continues, checking her notes, “I saw Percy at the funeral, and I swear I thought it was one of Ron’s brothers. Crazy, right?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yeah,” I say, nodding my head, “Ron only has four brothers.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Alright,” Par says, adjusting the typewriter on her lap. Maybe we should start… where Harry wakes up, annoyed at Dudley for waking him up. Maybe his scar hurts, too. I drew a design, it’s shaped like a lightning bolt, but we can go over that later.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“No, silly.” I move the typewriter towards me. “The story has to have a _prologue. _it’s how every proper story begins.”___ _ _ _ _ _

________Par rolls her eyes. “Fine.” With a quick peck on my cheek, I can feel her eyes on me as I type. Normally, one wouldn’t enjoy this sort of thing, but I do. It makes me feel loved, and wanted. Needed, even. I take a deep breath and begin to type._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________This book is dedicated to Penelope Clearwater. It is a novel based on her ideas, written by Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________(“Hey, why does _your _name get to be first?” Par asks with a stupid grin).___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Epilogue” _I type, my finger flying across the keys. _‘Mr. And Mrs. Dursley of number fourteen, Highgate Road, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you’d expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn’t hold with such nonsense... ______ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's really the end. I'll have to think of something new, quickly, because writing is the only thing that's really been getting me through corona. Also, I have college apps soon! Also, I passed both of my AP classes this year. Also, I love you all, and I hope you're staying safe and keeping up with your mental health. I'll be back soon, hopefully; I'm currently working on something else that I should be posting in the next week or so (although I still have three unfinished works, lmao sorry)
> 
> xoxo
> 
> Leave kudos and comments, please! I love to hear from you!


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